i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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