oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
