well I can't set my house on fire every night
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
