just tell him i said nine months
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Everything about him screamed your future.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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