I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
In America we eat man semen.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
