So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
