I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
