when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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