I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
