His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
