Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I have post one night stand depression
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