ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
