i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
