got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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