I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
