i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
