That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
