I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
