Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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