Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Someone shattered a urinal.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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