Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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