I met the friendliest cop last night
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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