The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
