things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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