i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
