On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
