I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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