from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
