Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
