Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
