I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
