hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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