I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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