Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
