you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
