if i died would you start the facebook group?
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We have so much sex to catch up on
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
