I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
He felt like a one man threesome
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
