Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
