The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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