Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
