I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
This baby is an asshole
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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