just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
