i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
