i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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