I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
