I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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