my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
