he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Randomize
