Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
