I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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