I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
